My nightmare from Sunday morning started with a dream of waking. Only, it was the worst dream of waking ever. I woke in white sheets on my futon at home. It was my room, but everything was changed. My books were gone, the bars were back on the windows, and I had white curtains and a fluffy white rug and white sheets and white... lots of things.
Also I was visibly pregnant. Not super pregnant, but like maybe five months pregnant.
I immediately FLIPPED THE HELL OUT. I tore off all my clothes to see if this was REAL. To check and hope that this was some kind of horrible accident or bloating or CANCER. And then, I had to check if this was really Guam and home and stuff, so I looked out my window and eventually ended up coming down stairs where my mom was making breakfast. She was surprisingly chill. Like, this was nothing new to her. My dad, however, was really sarcastic about me being up so earl and really nasty about asking if I was going to get a job. I asked my mom about working at St. John's and she said something about how we'd already talked about that, but since they were a religious school and well...
So. My parents left for work, which told me it was during the school year. I tried to get online and talk to people, but Hilde's journal was empty, she wasn't answering her phone. Her number wasn't even in my phone anymore! I tried to call Kni7es, but he didn't pick up, so I called his house and got hung up on. It was lame. I ended up taking a nap on the couch.
Where I then woke up in a differen time entirely. One where I was not visibly pregnant, but I was pacing around the room with a pregnancy test. There was a lot of cussing.
Woke up again. Still pregnant. Still on Guam. Dad was home for lunch. He was pissed that I'd slept all day. We ended up yelling at each other and he slapped me, so I punched him, so he punched me back. I told him I'd call the cops on him. He told me he'd kick me out and I'd have no where to go. I told him I'd go back to Baltimore and he just laughed.
Diddled around the internet. Ended up going through my email.
And that's when things started to unfold.
Apparently I'd gotten pregnant and by the time I shored myself up to get an abortion, I was told that the pregnancy was too far along to be legally terminated. So I tried to hide it, but my college found out and gave me an ultimatum of getting married or getting expelled. I tried to pick option "get married" but when Kni7es' parents found out about that, they forbade him to talk to me and cut me off. He still talked to me when he could, but he wasn't allowed to have any contact with me. Also, that I was looking so flippantly at marriage and that I'd been so stupid in the first place pissed the hell out of Hilde, we fought... A lot. Until she decided that she couldn't have me in her life, because I was making her crazier.
'Twas all unfolded in retrospect over LJ and my email and facebook.
Then I had to go home and I could guess what happened. I imagined that it was all kind of like today, only everyday. My dad being angry that I'd fucked up so badly and my mom's sad acceptance of her child's failure.
I cried. In my dream, I cried.
Then I went back upstairs and I lay in bed and cried and the cat came and slept right up next to my distended stomach. I dreamt.
In my dream, I went into labor early, in the middle of Micronesia Mall where I was working at Macy's. I was only 7 months along, so if I was 4 or 5 months, that'd be soon. Anyways, I got rushed to GMH and they tried to call my parents and they came as soon as they could, but something went wrong and some muscle in my uterus like... freaked out and, I dunno, snapped or something. Basically, I could feel my reproductive organs burst open like an old water balloon. I wasn't drugged or anything, so it was pretty much the most gruesome, painful thing I've ever imagined in my life. They doped me for surgery, since my cervix was definitely not dilated and that fetus, it wasn't really a baby yet too tiny and undeveloped to survive without me, was coming the hell out.
My mom showed up just in time to tell me that I shouldn't have wished so hard that I'd miscarry. And then I blacked out, from the drugs.
And then I woke up. I figure I died, that's the feeling I got.
I'm a queen emperoress god of coherent dreams.
I think my hormones are fucking with me as well, which is actually good, and my subconcious gets scarier when I'm stressed, which I guess I am.
Heh... hee. When did you call shotgun on babies? I missed that! Meh, I know nothing about childrearing other than kids are fun, but another life being implanted in my body and fucking with my life and body without my permission is very scary for me. I am such a goddamn control freak.
And no, my dad is... not that angry. Joe would flip the fuck out in that position. And you would probably smack me for being stupid, but I don't think you'd leave me. I think my school's policy is actually to send you home for a year and not actually expell you. BUT WATCH MY BRAIN CREATE THE MOST FUCKED UP WORST CASE SCENARIO EVER. Plus fucked up time and the frosting of not knowing what the hell's going on on my horrorific little dream cake.
I keep mooching hugs and pettings off everyone. So I'm glad that I get to see Rinny and ze Minsker this week. They are so :D and crazycool that I will not be able to keep my mind on the scary bad things in my head.